Born with It
by katievendea
Summary: The story of a child conceived and born during the Great Purge and raised up in the small village of Ealdor. The story of a boy trying to figure out what magic is and why he has to live with the burden of being an outsider among normal people. The story of Merlin's childhood.
1. Chapter 1

I always knew he was different.

I remember the first look I took at him. I actually thought that I'd died during the childbirth — that tiny pair of beautiful, deep ocean blue eyes made me believe that I was in heaven. He was small and fragile and very very sober, and the sweetest and most wonderful creature I'd ever seen. I'd been loving him since the moment I'd learnt I was carrying him in my womb, and now that I was holding him in my arms, I couldn't love him more. The midwife wrapped him in a soft and warm blanket and gave him back to me so that I could breastfeed him. It was the most glorious feeling I'd ever experienced, holding him close to me, gently brushing my fingertips across his strong raven black hair and listening to him making those little squelching noises while he was voraciously sucking the milk out of my breasts. I closed my eyes in exhaustion. I already had a name for him in my head, but I didn't even have the strength to say it aloud. I would do it when I woke up...


	2. Chapter 2

_I always knew I was different._

_My very first memory is her lighting a candle in the dark, then leaning over me and trying to soothe me while I was yelling so loud I must have woken up the whole village. I used to be a terrible sleeper, and I'm sure I've given her hard times. She didn't like picking me up for every cry, and usually that was exactly the reason why I cried. I wanted her to stay close to me, to hold me and rock me. I wanted to hear her singing sweet lullabies or just talking to me; her voice was so soft and beautiful, and I felt safer when she was with me. But she couldn't attend to me all day long. She was always there when I was hungry or thirsty, or when my nappy needed changing, and she never forgot to express her deep love towards me, but she also had to clean the house, wash our clothes, work in the garden and cook food for the two of us. Of course I didn't understand it back then. All babies are selfish little rats._

_That was when I started to move things._

_I think the first incident happened a few weeks before my first birthday. I could barely stand and not at all talk, and no matter how loud I was weeping, she didn't listen. I wanted to play, but she was too busy with peeling those silly potatoes. She had good ears to distinguish my cries of hunger from my fake cries for attention._

_The first object I ever moved was the small wooden bowl in which she put the peeled vegetables. It raised into the air slowly, then fell down on the floor, and all the vegetables scattered around in the room. At first I wasn't even sure I had been the one who did it, but she immediately lifted her head, searching for me. I can remember seeing her fingers tightening fitfully around the handle of the knife as her eyes widened. I saw something in those eyes, a feeling that I couldn't understand. I was young, helpless and ignorant, but I definitely knew something was wrong._

_For a while, I didn't really care, though. I realised that me moving things got her to come and play with me even when crying didn't help. Every time I made something flutter in the air, whether it was a dangerous object or only a toy of mine, she appeared in an instant, trying to distract my attention by something like a fairy tale, a song or a game. I enjoyed that I finally found a way to make her spend much more time with me than earlier. Children always love discovering how the world works._

_Only when I grew a little older did I start to care and recognise the feeling I always saw in her look when I moved things. It was a strange mixture of perplexity and pride. And dread._


	3. Chapter 3

When Merlin turned three, I seriously considered getting a nanny for him. It was probably the hardest period of our lives, the time of his negativist crisis, and I couldn't be constantly there to look after him. He was a difficult child, smart for his age but very stubborn in his own way, and I was terribly afraid of not being able to keep him safe. Ever since the day he started to discover his powers and use them more or less consciously, I'd always been worried. When he was still a toddler, I used to try to occupy him with as many different activities as possible, but it didn't stop him from using his magic. I also tried to talk to him when he got a bit older, and he promised me endless times that he wouldn't use magic anymore. The problem was, he still didn't really know what exactly "magic" was, and I was unable to explain it to him. I knew he was trying hard to obey, but he couldn't, and I didn't have the heart to scold him for that. I felt completely lost. I knew that I needed someone to help us, but I just couldn't think of a single person I could trust. Most of the villagers looked askance at me as I wasn't married and Merlin didn't have a father living with us. I had a few friends around, and I thought it was a miracle that nobody in the village had discovered about Merlin's magic yet, but I didn't want to risk anything. So, in the end, Merlin never had a nanny.

Nonetheless, after more than two years spent in fear, I finally decided to write to Gaius. Being the only family I had left, he used to be the first and only person I informed about the birth of my son. Back then, he had encouraged me to contact him whenever I needed something, and now I felt that it was time for me to do so.

* * *

My dear Gaius,

I'm writing to you in the hope that you can help me with an advice. Three years passed since my son was born, and ever since that, I've been praying for all the gods and goddesses to not let this happen to him, yet Merlin seems to be blessed and cursed with his father's talent. He is still too young to fully understand the things happening around him, but smart enough to have noticed that he is different from everyone else. However, I'm worried about him not learning soon enough how dangerous it can be for him if he loses control of himself, and I'm afraid I'm not the right person to teach him. All I wanted for him was a safe and happy life, and now I feel lost and helpless for being unable to give that to him. Please, if you can think of anything that could help us, let me know.

Lots of love,

Hunith


	4. Chapter 4

_William had always been my best friend, or, more precisely, he had been my only friend, even though we were like day and night. He was a real troublemaker, a messy, short, blond lad with puffy face, while I was shy and rangy and skinny, and my hair was as black as coal. We had absolutely nothing in common, except our deep blue eyes. Well, at least I thought my eyes were similar to his. My mother always said they were. Once, when I was about five years old, a pedlar came to the village and showed me a beautiful, shiny steel tray on which I could see the reflection of my face, so I knew she was right._

_But Will didn't seem to believe it. He kept saying that there was something strange in my eyes._

_"Usually, they're fine," he avowed, "but sometimes they turn... odd."_

_"Odd?" I echoed in surprise. "Like what?"_

_"I don't know," he answered uncertainly. He hesitated after that, and I could see it on his face that he was about to say something crazy. "Maybe I'm just imagining it, but sometimes I see them become... golden."_

_I bursted into laughter. Will was really good at making up funny things. Somewhere behind me I heard a net's rope breaking, followed by a series of small thuds._

_"There they are!" Will exclaimed, just when I turned my back on him to check what had made the noise. I stared at him again, confused. I had no idea what he was talking about. "Your eyes," he went on, pointing at my face._

_I lifted an arm and touched my eyelid._

_"Oh, yeah," I nodded, still in confusion, but trying to joke. "People normally have their eyes on their face, you know."_

_"They just went golden!" Will spluttered as if he hadn't heard what I said. He stepped closer, glancing deep into my iris in seek of a ghost of golden light, but seeing nothing but the pure blueness of the sky in them. I gazed back at him for a long moment, then he suddenly turned around and rushed home without a single word, leaving me alone with Old Man Simmons' brand new net, which had been used for holding apples up until a few minutes ago, when, for an unknown reason, the massive rope broke and all the apples scattered over the ground._

_A few hours later, when we were having supper, my mother noticed that I was unnaturally quiet. She asked me what was wrong, but I didn't know how to tell her. Ever since I was younger, she often mentioned something called "magic", but I was never quite sure what that word meant. I knew it was related to the things I did; she usually began to talk about magic being dangerous after I had moved an object. Using magic means moving things, that's what I had thought. But later I noticed it wasn't only about that. For example, there was a day last winter when the cold was almost unbearable and we had too little firewood at home, so my mother had to leave the fireplace empty for the day. I put on all my shirts and trousers, but I was still freezing, so, when she wasn't around, I moved to the fireplace and lit a fire all by myself, just by looking at the trace of ashes. And I wondered why people needed firewood for this when even a child can make a fire without it. When my mother came back and spotted my fire, she immediately put it out. Then she lowered, pulled me close to her and set me on her knee, and I had another lesson about this "magic" thing. She seemed to be so frightened and sad every time she was talking about magic. I never wanted to scare her or hurt her, I never meant to do anything wrong, but I didn't know anymore what was right and what was wrong. Magic was wrong, I understood that. But what was magic, actually?_

_Now, this evening, when I was sitting at the table with her, thinking about what Will had told to me, I suddenly started to realise the answer to that question. Magic must have been the feeling I had when doing certain things. I felt it when I moved objects, or when I had lit that fire. I also felt it when I had broken Old Man Simmons' net. It was a very nice, light feeling, as if I was truly myself._

_And I was sure all this had something to do with my eye colour._

* * *

**AN: Wow, I'm glad you like the story so far, and yes, I'm definitely going to write more; I already have some finished chapters, but I didn't feel like uploading all of them together.**

**Also, thank you for the nice reviews! I love getting reviews, they're the best inspiration. If you notice any grammar mistakes, incorrect phrases or collocations, etc. feel free to be a grammar nazi and correct me :D I really want to get better with my English.**


	5. Chapter 5

I'd be lying if I said that our life in Ealdor was easy, but still, Merlin was one of the most wonderful things ever happened to me. He was a miracle, an angel, and his smile was the light in my dark world. I had known from the very beginning that one day I'd need to let him go, but I wished that moment never came. I remember that day when a messenger arrived to the village, bringing Gaius' reply to the letter I'd sent him. I was very grateful for his comforting words, but they frightened me at the same time; he offered me to take Merlin in, look after him and teach him how to control his magic. Reading those lines, I whispered a weak "no". Camelot was far away, and Merlin hadn't even turned four yet, he was too young for such a long journey, not to mention what would be waiting for him there. I trusted Gaius with all my heart and knew that he would never let anything happen to my son, but I just couldn't stand the idea of Merlin being so close to Uther Pendragon. He wasn't ready for this. I wasn't ready for this.

Some years later, on a spring morning, I was sitting in the porchway, patching one of Merlin's old shirts, keeping an eye on the two children, who were playing nearby. Merlin was already seven years old, and he had grown a lot during the last few winters. He became stronger and smarter. He helped me more and more with the work around the house; he collected firewood, washed fruits and vegetables, watered the plants and fed the chickens in the garden. Will and he were inseparable, I felt like I was the mother of two boys, because Will almost literally spent more time with my son than with his own family.

Merlin's short but sharp scream disturbed my thoughts. I looked up and saw him lying on his back on the ground, thank god, unharmed. Moving my eyes to William's stretched arms and guilty face, I knew immediately that he had pushed Merlin over, but before I could say or do anything, I suddenly noticed the grass changing: around my son, thousands of small, white wild flowers opened their petals in a flash, before my very eyes. I jumped up, forgetting about the half-patched shirt on my knee.

"Merlin!" I snapped at him without thinking. "Come here right now!"

He didn't hesitate to obey, though I saw the fear and guilt in his blue eyes as he got up and stepped closer. He stopped right in front of me and gazed up to my face, making all my anger fly away immediately. I hated yelling at him, but sometimes I had no choice. He had to learn how important it was to keep his powers secret.

"I've told you many times that you mustn't do this, haven't I?"

"I've never done this before," he protested.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

He lowered his head and muttered something that sounded like "magic". Of course he knew, and deep inside I abruptly felt relieved. He finally started to understand what magic was, and I really hoped it would help him to prevent this sort of matters. I gently patted his back, pointing at the front door with my other hand.

"Go inside. I'm coming in a minute, too," I sighed. Then I turned to William, who was still standing by the flowers with a confused expression on his face, which instantly turned into embarrassment when he noticed that I was looking at him.

"I-I'm sorry, it was an accident..." he stuttered in a low voice.

"Will," I interrupted. I lowered so that our eyes were in line, and put a hand on his shoulder. For a moment, I gazed at the tiny white petals, and couldn't help thinking about how sweet and innocent my son was. "Listen to me, please. You must swear that you're not going to talk about these flowers to anyone. Not even to your parents. Can you do this for me?"

"Um... Yeah," he answered hesitantly. It wasn't too convincing.

"This is important, Will," I insised. "You must never tell anyone. You may lose Merlin if you do."

A slight wave of fear ran through his face.

"I swear I won't talk about it," he finally said.

"Thank you," I smiled at him and stood up, letting go of his shoulder. "Now, go home! You can come to play tomorrow."

* * *

**AN: I'm terribly sorry about not updating earlier! I was very busy with my thesis, but now it's finally done, so I can continue writing my stories. I hope you'll like this chapter.**


	6. Chapter 6

_"Merlin, we need to talk."_

_No matter how hard she tried to stay strong, my mother's voice was weak and tired. We were standing by the door after she had sent Will home. I supposed he wouldn't come for a while after this incident; sometimes, when we had a row, he disappeared for a few days. But I couldn't really care about Will now. My mother slowly crouched, spreading her arms, beckoning me to her with a silent wave of a hand. I automatically moved towards her, and as I looked at her face, at her brightly shining eyes and painful smile, I knew, I immediately knew that I had done something terrible again, and I hated myself for that, even though I didn't have an idea what exactly it was. I tightly wrapped my arms around her, and I felt her embracing me back._

_"I'm sorry," I groaned with a lump in my throat. "I'm sorry, mother, I know I'm a bad child." Gentle fingers brushed through my hair. I closed my eyes and gripped the back of her dress. Both of us were crying now; I had never seen her so broken before, and it scared me._

_"You're not a bad child, darling," she sobbed. "You're the most wonderful child in the world."_

_After a few minutes, she lifted her head to look at me. I could still see the trace of tears on the skin of her face, although she already seemed to be much calmer. She tried to smile when putting a hand on my skinny cheek._

_"You're a big boy now," she said softly, "and there are certain things you must know. Listen well, because this is very important. Your life can depend on it."_

_And so she started to talk. At first it sounded like one of her beautiful fairy tales, but I knew it wasn't. It was reality. And it had no happy ending. Far far away from our small village, there was a young king who had a beautiful and lovely wife. The queen got pregnant, and they were very happy for their upcoming baby. But the queen died when she gave birth to her son. The king loved his wife so much that losing her turned him mad. He proclaimed that from now on, magic was forbidden in the whole kingdom for it was the source of evil. He started to hunt down sorcerers, druids and everyone else who had magic, and he executed all of them. Those few who survived ran away, hid and gave up using their powers forever._

_When she told me this story for the first time, only one short phrase got engraved in my mind, and even years later, when I got much older, it still often haunted me while I was searching for the reason why I was born and what the real meaning of my magic was._

_The source of evil._

_Magic, this wondrous feeling of freedom, the feeling of being whole and being myself __— was it really evil? Was I really evil? My mother said that Uther Pendragon was wrong, he had lost his sanity the day when his wife died. But what if he was right? I tried hard to suppress my magic consciously whenever it wanted to burst out of me, but sometimes the feeling came so suddenly that I wasn't able to stop myself. And when I paid close attention, I could always sense its shadow inside, even when I was completely calm. It was hiding in the depths of my body, tempting me, waiting for me to set it free._

_I always knew I was different. But now, for the first time in my life, I was terrified. Terrified of Uther. Terrified of magic. And terrified of myself._


	7. Chapter 7

I spent almost a whole week by Merlin's bedside. He was weak and unconscious because of his high fever, and he was constantly twitching and tossing around in his restless sleep. We didn't have a physician in the village, so I had to treat him myself, but my basic knowledge of herbs and draughts didn't seem to be enough. He had never been so sick before, and I was unimaginably worried. I wrote a letter to Gaius; he was a physician in the king's court, so I hoped he would be able to help. He answered that the king wouldn't let him leave Camelot now because his son had chickenpox, but he was sure Merlin's illness was caused by shock and anxiety, and he sent me a recipe for a draught that could heal him.

I started to give that draught to my son, though it looked and smelt more disgusting than any other medicine I'd made for him earlier. On the third day Merlin slowly began to regain consciousness. I can't express how relieved I felt when I saw him opening his eyes. I gave him some fresh water like Gaius had advised, then I took his hand and we just watched each other silently as he was still too weak to talk. I smiled at him, gently stroking his small fingers. I knew he was going to be alright.

It took him a few days to fully recover, and I noticed that even after he got strong and healthy, he wasn't as happy and carefree as before. He played with Will much less than earlier, and I often found him sitting alone at quiet places, staring at the ground in front of him, deep in his thoughts. Gaius was right; I could still clearly feel his anxiety and fear, and it was heartbreaking to see him like this.

"What's troubling you, darling?" I asked one day when having supper. Merlin didn't eat anything, he just kept poking his food with his spoon. He had been having problems with his appetite since his illness. He looked up at me with a very weak smile on his face.

"I'm just trying to hold my magic back," he answered simply, but the next second he broke out in tears. He was crying silently, heaving deep sighs, wiping his face with his small fingers. "I'm tired, mother," he sniffed, swallowing his tears. "I'm tired and scared and I don't want to have magic."

I got up in an instant to wrap him into my tight embrace, and I could feel him pressing his face against my shirt. I'd have given my soul to be in his shoes and carry the burden instead of him. He was too young, too vulnerable for all this. Fate was cruel.

"It's alright," I whispered, knowing that it was a small consolation. "It's alright, Merlin. I know it's hard, but you must be strong. I'm here with you."

"Why is magic bad?" he asked in a hoarse voice. I hesitated; I never felt ready for answering that question.

"It isn't," I drawled. "Uther sees only what he wants to see. He sees how easy it is to hurt people with magic, and how it's used for evil purposes. But he can't... he doesn't want to see how it can be used for creating beautiful things and saving lives." He seemed to be confused and distressed. I took his hand and looked into his eyes. "You can quit using your talent and hide until the end of your life, but you must never ever believe that you're a bad person just because you have magic. You're special, Merlin, and your magic is a gift, not a curse, even if Uther doesn't understand it, and even if you have to keep it secret in order to keep yourself safe."

He bitterly curled his lips, and tears started to cover his eyes again.

"I can't quit using magic," he moaned. "I can't hide it, I can't... I'm trying hard to control it, but sometimes it just... happens."

For a moment I let my face darken, but then I forced myself to smile.

"Do you remember wearing a nappy?" I asked. He nodded slowly, though I was sure he could have barely remembered being such a small baby. "I think it's quite the same thing with magic. It takes time, but eventually, you'll learn how to control it."

I knew very little about magic, but I really hoped I was right. Merlin smiled back at me and nuzzled with me, yawning and rubbing his eyes. It was very late, his bedtime had passed long ago. Once upon a time I used to pick him up and cradle him in my arms until he fell asleep, but now he was too old for that. I led him to his sleeping place, covered him with his thin blanket and gave him a goodnight kiss on the cheek. Then I snuffed out the candle standing on the floor next to him and went outside with another one, because I still had some needlework to do. I thought that he would be asleep in a few minutes, but soon I heard his thin but excited voice beside me.

"Mother."

"What are you still doing here? Go back to sleep."

"Having magic is like having a sword, isn't it?" he asked, ignoring what I just said. I stared at him in wonder, and he continued. "You can hurt people with it, but you can also help and protect them, and it depends on you how you use it, isn't it? You know, I think if magic is forbidden because it's dangerous, then swords should be forbidden, too."

Merlin was standing there in front of me with his blanket on his shoulders, his eyes shining bright in the light of my candle, and I didn't know what to say, but I suddenly felt immensely proud of him.

Look, Uther Pendragon, my seven-year-old son is already smarter than you.


	8. Chapter 8

_I hadn't known what a reliable person Will was and how lucky I was to have him as a friend until he witnessed that incident of mine with the wild flowers. My mother pledged him not to talk about what he had seen, and he kept his word. I was never again afraid of losing control of my powers in front of him. He didn't know much about sorcery as I was too wary to talk openly about it and there was no one else he could have asked, so it took him a while to recognise it was magic that I used. He didn't hate me for who I was, and this made my whole life brighter._

_I was around ten years old when I got an opportunity to return his kindness towards me. I wish I'd never had a chance like that, though._

_Living in Cenred's realm meant constantly having to experience the terrors of war. I'd been aware of the meaning of death since a surprisingly early age, even though I'd never had to face it directly. I knew children who had lost their fathers or elder brothers, and wives who had lost their husbands. My mother never liked talking about him, but I suspected that even my own father had died – maybe, just like many other young parents from Ealdor, he had also been a victim of one of Cenred's campaigns against a neighbouring kingdom. I didn't know much about him; I stopped asking questions long ago, because I had always seen my mother's eyes filled with deep sorrow whenever I had mentioned him. He had never been a part of my life, so, for me, it was relatively easy to accept the fact that I wouldn't ever meet my father._

_But for Will, it was different. He grew up knowing and loving his father. It must have been a horrible feeling for him to lose him. When I was a very small child, once I had a nightmare about my mother dying, and I remember the emptiness and despair I felt in that dream. Maybe Will experienced something similar when he was told about the death of his father, but unlike me, he could never again have the glorious feeling of waking up and realising that all this was only a bad dream._

_After the sad news reached Will's family, my best friend didn't come to see me for a while. I saw him a few times in the village with his mother, and we exchanged looks, but he didn't seem to show any interest in me. I was worried about him and wanted to talk to him as soon as possible, but my mother told me to give him some more time, because it was a tough period of life for him and the rest of his family. I didn't want to sit at home and do nothing when my friend was suffering. I wanted to help him, somehow, anyhow, though I knew well that I couldn't have fully understood what he was going through as I'd never experienced the loss of a person so close to me. But my mother had ‒ the recognition hit me like a thunderbolt. She had no one else in the world but me; her parents had died long time ago, and probably so had my father. She knew exactly what Will felt, and she knew what he needed. I realised that if I wanted to help Will, I needed to trust my mother._

_I had been waiting until Will finally came. It was a gray day, dark clouds were gathering over the hovels of Ealdor, but it hadn't started to rain yet. Will was pale, he seemed lost and thinner than ever before, he was a mere shadow of himself. After my mother had told me about the story of Uther Pendragon's family and the burden of my magic, I had always felt more grown-up than any other child of my age group in the village. Now I looked at him and wondered if his grief had made him even more mature than that. It was when I realised that being afraid of my own death is nothing compared to losing a person I truly love. Little did I know how much this thought would control my whole life in the future._

_I lit some candles and put them on the table. For a while, both of us were sitting quietly by the candlelight and watching my mother preparing dinner at the small kitchen range. I had no idea what to say, I didn't even know if I should have said anything at all. The awkward silence started to become unbearable soon, but as I lifted my head to look at the candles, a weak smile ran through my face._

_"Look," I said quietly. I raised an arm and stared right into the light of a candle. The flame suddenly fluttered, and in the next second, my eyes went gold and the blade-shaped light took the form of a small, bright dog. I wanted to make it bark as well, but I couldn't, yet the sight was enough for a slight of smile to cross Will's sunken face. Magic had always made my soul feel free and warm, but this was something I'd never really experienced before: this was my power turning someone I cared happy. I changed the dog into a cat, then into a raven. Then I heard my mother's strict voice behind me._

_"Merlin!"_

_I looked at her, grinning widely, trying to hold back my tears of joy, and I wondered if she understood how special this moment was for me._

_"Be careful with the fire." That was all she said. And for the first and last time in my life, she didn't scold me and didn't punish me._


	9. Chapter 9

Sometimes I felt that time passed too fast. One second he was a sweet little pumpkin, the next he was on the verge of puberty. Still a child, nevertheless.

At other times I wished he would grow a little faster. There were still so many things that he didn't understand, and I felt I was too impatient. I wanted him to be mature enough to fully control his magic, but I wasn't able to teach him anything, so all I could do was expecting him to learn everything without any help. Little did I realise that I just created another burden for him; he was such a good boy he always wanted to obey, even if it was very difficult for him. I promised him that I would be there for him whenever he needs me, yet the only answer I had when he asked a question was "I don't know." I envied all those parents who could answer all of their children's questions. I wished I would be able to teach Merlin everything about the world. But about Merlin's world I knew even less than he did.

His relationship with William was probably the only positive thing in his life during those years. After the death of Will's father they grew even closer. I didn't witness every moment of their friendship, but I could definitely see that Merlin was always calmer and happier and slept much better after spending the whole day with him. Accidents of magic still happened of course, but less often than earlier, and it must have been because he became more and more optimistic about everything. I was happy for him, yet I felt I had failed as a mother.

I was thinking about writing another letter to Gaius. He knew a lot more about magic than me, and he was wise and kind-hearted; I thought he had everything that Merlin needed. But each time I saw my son playing and laughing together with Will, I told myself that it would be a cruel idea to tear him apart from his best friend just when they needed each other most. It was just an excuse though, deep inside I knew exactly that it was me who did not want to be separated from Merlin. And as the months passed, he seemed to be happier in Ealdor than ever before, so I thought it would have been needless to make Gaius worry about us.

My guilt slowly started to fade away, though it never vanished completely; sometimes it came back to haunt me in my nightmares, leaving me awake until dawn after I woke up in the middle of the night. But I was alright for a while. There was only one thing I dreaded: Merlin entering his teen-age years soon. I knew too well that I had to be stronger than ever as those would be horrendously difficult times for both of us.

* * *

**Oh, god, I completely, completely forgot about this story. I found it a few hours ago while cleaning my computer, and I realised that I still haven't finished it, so I sat down and wrote a few more pages. Because I made you guys wait so much for the new chapter, I'll upload two now :)**


	10. Chapter 10

_Apart from my mother, Will was the only one in Ealdor I could trust. He accepted me, understood me and supported me when I needed that. He was not scared of me. In fact, he thought that my magic was the coolest thing in the world._

_From about the age of thirteen, I started to enchant things on purpose to amuse him. I was much more confident with my magic now than a few years ago, and I could always fascinate him by my tricks. Those were probably the best years of my childhood; we often romped around the village or the forest surrounding it, and we laughed a lot. Sometimes, though, it still happened that I lost control and did something unintentionally, and I had no idea yet how to stop myself from that. I learnt that my magic was somehow in connection with my feelings; most of the accidents happened when they were very powerful, especially when I was angry, sad or scared. But how was I supposed to ease those feelings?_

_No matter how much fun we had, a shadow of guilt was always looming over me. It was the first time of my life when I started to keep secrets from my mother. I never wanted to be disobedient, but she wouldn't have understood what magic meant to me. I knew she was worried about me, and I was grateful for her taking so much care of me, but I wasn't a defenceless small child anymore, and I had my own way of doing things. I used magic, but I was never careless, I did it only when nobody but Will was around. I had to do this for my own good. Magic was a part of me, and I couldn't have lived without it. I still remembered being a seven-year-old kid trying to suppress his powers out of fear and ending up lying weak and ill and suffering from high fever. Sometimes my magic had to be released, otherwise I could have caused much more trouble._

_I tried to explain this to her when she first caught me on playing with magic, but just as I had expected, she didn't fully understand me._

_"You know how dangerous this is, anybody could've seen you!" she scolded me. We were at home and it was almost nightfall, but neither of us cared about the sky getting darker and darker outside._

_"Nobody saw us!" I talked back. "And what if they did? We live far from Camelot. This is not Uther's kingdom, he doesn't even care what's happening here." Of course I knew that wasn't true. I was told long time ago that there were manhunters who earned money from selling sorcerers to Uther, and deep inside I was still a little boy terrified of being captured and taken to the king's castle. I just didn't want her to worry about me so much._

_"People with magic are being executed in Camelot right at this moment!" she raised her voice. "Merlin, you're not a baby anymore, you can't be so irresponsible!"_

_"I'm not irresponsible," I answered angrily. "I always look around before doing anything, and Will pays attention, too. I need magic, mother. I just can't hold it back all the time."_

_"Listen, son, I know how you feel..."_

_"No, you don't!" I yelled, almost crying. I felt my own anger rising and growing, and magic was pulsing in my veins. All of the candles in the house suddenly ignited with small flickering noises. I squinted at my mother cautiously, expecting her to get even angrier, but she didn't even look at the candles. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to tame myself down, but I couldn't. We'd never had a fight before, and I was completely shattered, because I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone, and it hurt me so much that she didn't understand what I'd been going through. I felt the first teardrop running down my cheek. "You don't have magic, you can never understand it! Magic is a part of me, just like my limbs. I can't stop using it. It would feel like cutting my arm or leg off."_

_A dead silence fell over us. She was gazing at me with a painful look, and I wished I'd known what was inside her head. She stared deep into my eyes –__ she didn't have to lower for that anymore because I was almost as tall as she now._

_"I don't have magic," she said, "but I'm your mother, and I can feel your pain. And I need you to understand how scared I am of losing you. You're the only one I have left. Please, Merlin, I'm begging you, don't play with your magic anymore. Promise me that you won't."_

_I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be honest and say no, but that deep sorrow in her eyes absorbed all my willpower. I nodded slowly, and I felt my stomach churn as if I was about to get sick. This was my very first promise I knew I was going to break._


	11. Chapter 11

Long time ago, Gaius had told me that if I sent Merlin to Camelot, he could help him learn how to control his powers. I didn't want my son to go; he was only three years old and I thought it would have been wrong to separate such a small child from his mother. Now, ten years later, I could finally see how selfish I had been back then. I wanted to keep him near me because I had no one else in the world and I was terrified of being left all alone. I thought that I would be able to handle him without knowing anything about magic, but I turned out to be wrong. And, because of this, because of me, he had to spend his childhood in terror, and I couldn't do anyhing to make life easier for him. I was the worst mother in the world, and I didn't deserve all that love and affection he had towards me.

Yet, even after our first serious fight, I still didn't have the strength to ask Merlin if he wanted to move to Gaius'. I didn't want him to go. He was just a boy, it was too dangerous for him. What if something happened and Uther found out about his magic? If only Gaius hadn't lived in Camelot, if only he hadn't been the king's physician, it would have been so much easier to let Merlin go.

By the age of fifteen, he grew a lot more concerned about his powers than ever before. He strongly believed that his magic had a reason and his life had a purpose, and he was desperate to find out what his destiny was about. This was just another one of the things I could not help him with, and it brought back the guilt I had felt long years before.

He, on the other hand, helped me more and more as he grew older. He got stronger and worked hard to make sure everything at home was nice and tidy. I had no reason to complain; while the other women in the village were struggling with the housework all the time, my dear boy was constantly looking for the opportunity to make himself useful around the house, leaving me plenty of time to rest. Of course he also took advantage of any chance to hang around with Will and make as many mischiefs as possible.

I knew well that he didn't keep his promise about not using magic. I never told him, but I wasn't blind. Giving Will fresh strawberries in the middle of winter, or coming home in a shirt that looked exactly like the one he was wearing in the morning but had a slightly different colour – all of these things made it obvious. And he never mentioned magic at home anymore. At first I sort of felt betrayed and angry for he still didn't recognise the danger he was in. But then I started to realise that he grew physically stronger and fitter, he slept better at night and had much less nightmares than a few years ago. He didn't look as healthy and carefree as I wanted him to be, but he was happy. Only then I came to understand what he had meant by saying he couldn't quit using magic. This didn't keep me from worrying about him, of course, but for the first time in my life I was finally able to see a tiny piece of what was inside his head. I decided to give him a chance, no matter how terrified I was of losing him. He would turn sixteen soon, after all. Almost a grown-up.

I should have known it was too early to do that.


	12. Chapter 12

_"Hey, you want to walk down to the stream to catch some fish?"_

_I turned around to face Will. It was morning, just in front of our house. My mother was away to the far forest for herbs and mushrooms and had left a note on the table for me with a few tasks to do. I was about to close the door and leave when I heard Will's voice behind me._

_"Later," I replied. "I must go to the grove and get firewood first. Would you like to come? It's more fun with you around." I grinned, and as our eyes met, he grinned back and nodded._

_I left the axe at home. My mother always got me to take it with me, but I saw no point in that. Why would I take it? It's ugly, heavy and uncomfortable to hold, and I don't even need it as I can easily cut a whole tree with my magic. Will was picking up small sticks for me while I was searching for the perfect tree to fell. I didn't want a huge one – I was the one to carry it back to the house after all. Even though I was able to levitate heavy objects, it was too dangerous to do it so close to the village. I didn't want to risk anyone spotting me using magic._

_"Okay, look at this," I smiled, lifting my hand, facing a tree. "Which way does it fall? Left or right?"_

_"Left, I guess," Will answered, dropping the sticks and walking beside me. I took a deep breath, but before I could reach out for my magic, he spoke again. "Wait. It's boring. You're always cheating, you make it fall the way you want it to. Do something else, will you?"_

_"Like what?" I asked._

_Will grinned widely._

_"Can you fell two at the same time?" he ask._

_I hesitated. This sounded dangerous but awesome at the same time. And I didn't want to let my best friend down._

_"Um, I think so," I said. "I've never tried."_

_"Try it now," he insisted._

_I was unsure what to do. He seemed to be so excited. He was the only person in the world who appreciated my magic. But my mother would have never forgiven me if I had caused any trouble._

_"I don't know," I frowned. "It's too risky."_

_"Of course it is," he said, "but you can't ever learn new things if you don't take risks."_

_That was true. If I never tried things I haven't done before, I wouldn't be able to gain full control over my magic. I nodded and lifted both arms again to use my magic. I could sense the power running through my veins, and when I finally let it go and it embraced me, I felt free and light and invincible. I heard Will's admiring whoop behind me, but the next second my heart stopped for a moment as I noticed someone right between the two trees. Old Man Simmons._

_"Watch out!" I screamed and started to run to him without thinking. I heard the cracks and saw the trees leaning towards us, but just before they hit the ground, I managed to drag him out of their way, though I was knocked over by the force of the crush. I fell on my hand, and my face was scratched by some branches, so I ended up with a few bleeding wounds and a sprained wrist._

_Simmons was furious. He had been shouting at us for at least twenty minutes. I hadn't even known it was possible to yell constantly for such a long time without getting hoarse. I just hoped that he hadn't noticed my magic and wouldn't say anything about it._

_He didn't. Instead, he said that we were irresponsible and careless and horrible murderers. That we should be locked in a cellar for the rest of our lives and shouldn't ever be allowed to go near a tree again. That we were monsters having fun while risking other people's lives. I just stood there next to Will, holding my wounded hand in my other one, and I couldn't help thinking that he was right about me. I'm a monster. I'm the one who should be locked in a cellar. I'm a murderer. I'm ruining everybody's life._

_I tightened the grip around my wounded wrist to feel the pain stronger while saying "I'm sorry." Then I left without another word._


	13. Chapter 13

"What happened?" I asked. He didn't reply but took a few steps forward and sat down on a stool. He looked like he had been through hell. He had four or five bleeding scars on his face, and his wrist was swollen. "Merlin?" I raised my voice. I walked closer and gently pulled his wounded hand to me to take a look at it. He twitched and made a quiet moan as I touched his wrist. "It's okay, darling. I'll splint it."

I fetched some bandage and splinted his wrist, then I cleaned the wounds on his face, too. He didn't say a single word until I finished, then a weak "thank you" left his lips. I gave him a warm smile and embraced him tightly, but I didn't feel his arms returning the hug.

"I almost killed him," he whispered, trembling. "I can't do this anymore, mother. I'm a monster..."

"Shh, it's okay," I interrupted, gently stroking his back. I didn't want to hear him calling himself that. He was still shaking in my arms for a few seconds, then he slowly pulled away. I didn't resist, but I didn't move either. "Tell me what happened, please," I said.

He nodded and sighed, then he began to speak. It wasn't easy to make out the whole story because he was too tense. I could see the guilt in his eyes, I knew it was killing him inside, but I didn't want him to blame himself. I knew exactly that he didn't mean to hurt anyone. When he finished, we both kept quiet for a while.

"I'll talk to Will," I said at last.

"It wasn't his fault," he answered immediately.

"Merlin, this wasn't the first time you got into trouble because of him. Maybe it would be better if..."

"I said it wasn't his fault," he insisted. "Yes, it was his idea, but I should have said no. My magic is too... wild and raw, and sometimes I can't control myself. And I know this, but I still listened to him."

"Why did you listen to him, then?" I asked.

He didn't reply. I saw that he was about to say something, but he didn't – maybe he was too scared, or he was just unable to put his feelings into words. He stood there in front of me, not saying anything, and I wished he had still been a tiny baby who needed nothing but my soothing words and my arms around him when he was distressed.

"I know you use your magic when you're alone with him," I suddenly said. I didn't want to make things worse for Merlin, but it was high time to talk this over. William was his best friend, his only friend, and a truly reliable and loyal person. But sometimes I felt that he might have been a bad influence for my son. He was light-minded and reckless, and he didn't really realise how difficult it was for us to hide Merlin's powers.

"I know you know." His answer didn't even surprise me. He had always been smart. "And I know you hate it. But you understand, don't you? That's why you pretended you didn't notice."

For a moment, I didn't know what to say. He was right. He was smarter than I could have ever imagined.

"I know I'll never be able to fully understand how you feel," I said softly, "but I don't want you to do dangerous things just because Will says so."

"It's not about Will," he replied, not looking at me.

"Yes it is," I said firmly. Merlin blushed. No matter how mysterious magic had made him, sometimes it was so simple to tell whether he was honest or not. I was the one who raised him up, after all.

"Well, maybe it is," he raised his voice. "He is my best friend, and he is the only person who accepts my magic the way it is. He knows that sometimes I have to use it. And he's trying to make the best out of it. He wants me to think positively about myself. He wants me to think I'm cool and special and gifted, and... He wants to have fun. So, yes, if I feel that I have to use my magic before it drives me crazy, then I use it for him."

"Merlin..." I sighed. I didn't really know what to say. He slowly raised his head to look at my face.

"You want to separate us, don't you?" he asked quietly. I didn't reply. He slowly turned away from me, and I saw his knees trembling as he sank onto the floor. He was broken, probably more than he had ever been before. "Well, maybe you're right. Every time I use my magic, I feel free and wonderful for a moment... but then it turns into dread and guilt. I'm dangerous. We were lucky today, but... next time I might kill someone. What if it's you...or Will...? Ever since I first saw what my magic is capable of... I'm terrified of myself. I don't want to hurt the people I love."

"I know," I said. I moved a bit closer to him, gently touching his arm, but I felt him twitching, so I pulled back. "I've been trying to help you since you were born, Merlin. But I don't know anything about magic. Nobody does here. And we can't just walk around asking for help for a sorcerer. There's little we can do."

"Then what should I do?" he asked desperately. "Is there a way to find out why I'm like this? Can I ever learn how to control this... this... nightmare inside me?"

I knelt down in front of him, and touched his chin to lift up his head a little bit. I knew the time has finally come.

"I'll show you something," I answered.


	14. Chapter 14

_She stood up and went to her big wooden chest. She kept all of her personal belongings in there: her good clothes, her diary, some letters and all the gifts I ever gave her. I was never allowed to open it, and I never did. She used to have a lock on the chest, but she removed it when I was thirteen. Once, when she wasn't around, I was playing with Will in the house, and he asked me if I was able to open the lock with my magic. I'd never done anything like that before, but I was curious, so I gave it a try. Only after I opened the lock did I realise that I was unable to close it back. Will got excited and wanted to look into the chest, but I refused. He kept nagging until I got angry and sent him home. After he left, I spent the whole afternoon alone at my sleeping place trembling with guilt and fear, because I knew my mother would notice that the lock was open and I didn't want her to think that I'd peeked into her chest. Of course she did notice when she got home, but she didn't need to ask me what had happened, because I went to her, trying to hold my tears back, and told her everything. And she believed me. She believed that I didn't look into the chest. I've never felt so relieved and grateful in my life. Then we sat down together by the chest with a crowbar and a hammer, and she removed the lock. She said that she didn't remove it because I had magic and could open it anyway – she removed it because she had an honest and reliable son, so there was no need for any lock on that chest._

_She opened the chest and grabbed a small packet of letters, then walked back to me._

_"They're from Gaius," she explained, handing the letters to me. I hesitated for a second, then took them and slowly opened the first one. Gaius, my mother's brother and probably the only family we had, an uncle I'd never seen before, a man who was a complete stranger to me, had written it to my mother just a few weeks after my birth. The second one was delivered after I turned three. The last one was longer than the other two; he wrote it when I was seven. I had some foggy memories of being sick for a long time after trying to hold my magic back, and I even remembered my mother later telling me that the draught which had saved my life was Gaius' idea. Now I had the recipe for that draught in my hand enclosed to the old letter._

_I didn't read all of them from start to finish, but I saw that they were all about me, and the more lines I skimmed through, the more I started to realise that my mother had known a way for me to learn magic. She had known where I could have found the meaning of my life and the purpose of my magic. All along, all my life, she had known it. And she had kept it secret from me. But I didn't blame her for that. The thing what Gaius had written about in his second letter... It was the scariest thing I'd ever heard._

_"I won't do it," I said, closing the last letter and giving the packet back to my mother. I knew exactly why she hadn't told me about Gaius' letters earlier. She didn't want me to go. She had nobody else here but me, and the last thing she wanted was me leaving her and moving to Camelot. To Uther Pendragon's court. I shook my head. "I won't leave you alone. I won't go."_

_"You don't have to," she answered. She took my hands and smiled at me. "It's your choice. I know it's probably more dangerous than staying here. But you might find something there. Something that'd change your whole life. Something about your magic, maybe... And Gaius is wise. He has a good heart. You'd be in the best hands."_

_I shook my head again. The temptation was great, she might have been right about me finding something in Camelot... Maybe I'd find everything I'd been looking for in my entire life there. I'd make new friends, I'd be able to learn how to control my magic, and how to use it for good. Yet, it was a horrible idea. Having magic, not being able to control it properly and living in Camelot, being terrified of Uther Pendragon catching me and sentencing me to death... I felt like I was still a little boy suffering from nightmares about all those things each night after using my magic. Besides, I didn't want to leave my mother on her own. Camelot was too far away. And she needed me. I could see it in her eyes; if I'd left, she would have been lonely and broken. Her happiness was much more important to me than learning magic._

_"I won't leave you," I repeated, and stepped closer to embrace her._

_Later, when it was dark outside and I was at my sleeping place under my blanket, I was unable to fall asleep for a long time. I heard my mother tinkering away at her chest, and I saw the candlelights on the table even if I closed my eyes. I wanted to keep my thoughts away from the lights and the noise, so I tried to imagine what Camelot looked like. It must be a huge and beautiful castle, I thought. Full of knights, ladies, councilors and servants. A lot of little boys in Ealdor had dreamed about becoming a knight one day, but I was different. I was never interested in the nobility, or horses and armours, and neither was Will. We never played with sticks and trays pretending them to be swords and shields. So I wondered if I'd even had a chance to survive in Camelot. I tried to picture Gaius. He must have been an old man with white hair and maybe even a beard. He probably had blue eyes just like my mother; they were siblings, after all. He might have known a lot about magic, being so old and wise. His whole house must have smelled like our herb box that we kept at the fireplace in case of one of us got sick. He was very popular for sure as he was the king's physician, so I'd have quite an interesting life if I moved there. But it didn't matter, because I would never go._


	15. Chapter 15

That night, after Merlin went to sleep, I opened my chest and sat down at the table with a couple of candles to read those letters from Gaius again. I'd done this a few times before, when Merlin seemed to be lost and hopeless and I wasn't able to help him. Gaius' kind words always gave me strength, even though it was so difficult to read them sometimes. All these years, ever since Merlin was born, I always found an excuse for not sending him to Camelot. I always told myself that he was too young and he needed me, and he also needed Will. But now that he was sixteen, I couldn't really think of anything to hold him back. It wasn't my job to decide about his future anymore. That day he told me he wouldn't go, but deep inside I knew well that one day he would do it. He wanted to go, I knew it. But he chose not to because he cared about me more than about his own future and happiness. That was my sweet and selfless son.

The next morning I wanted to discuss all this and help him decide what was the best for him, but he said there was no need to talk about anything. So I didn't push it. I just tried to forget about Gaius' letters and move on. But deep in my heart I'd already started to prepare myself for the moment he'd change his mind. It was hard, but I knew this was how things worked. Many other young adults left the small villages where they had grown up and moved to big cities in the hope for a better life. I didn't know anyone who went to Camelot, though, and, of course, it was so much different for my son because of his powers. But still, I shouldn't have expected Merlin to stay with me in Ealdor until I die. He had a right to live his life the way he wanted to.

More than a year had passed, and we never talked about Gaius and Camelot. We lived our simple little lives in the village, and everything seemed to be perfectly alright from the outside. But Merlin was not okay. There were days when he was too quiet and his eyes were full of deep sorrow, but whenever I asked him what was wrong, he always answered that he was fine. Yet, at night sometimes I heard him crying silently under his blanket in the dark.

His friendship with William was probably the only thing that kept him from losing his sanity. They had a few quarrels sometimes, though; as they grew older, it became more and more difficult for them to get along, because they were as different as day and night. Usually it was Merlin who got angry because Will was causing him too much trouble. After that incident in the grove with Old Man Simmons, my son was a lot more cautious than before, and did his best to hold his magic back to prevent hurting somebody. Will, however, couldn't easily accept the fact that Merlin didn't always say yes to his reckless ideas about how to use his magic anymore. He kept pushing until my son had had enough and left him alone or sent him away. Merlin usually spent the next few days with me at home after an incident like this, but later he realised how lonely he was without his best friend and went to see Will and make up with him.

Merlin rarely talked to me about their tiffs, but when he did, I always advised him to be patient with Will and try to convince him instead of pushing him away every time they didn't agree – I knew they both needed each other no matter how different they were. And their bond seemed to be stronger than that difference between them. Eventually, they always managed to find a way to solve their conflicts.

As the time went on, I almost started to believe that I was wrong about my son changing his mind and willing to move to Camelot. I wouldn't say his life was perfect in the village, but he had a true friend here, a loving mother who cared about him, and a lot of work to do. For a long time, I didn't even think about Gaius but tried to do everything to make my son happy right here in Ealdor.

Then the next spring, a few months after Merlin's eighteenth birthday, everything changed.


	16. Chapter 16

_"Will?" My voice was shaking as I leant closer to him. I shivered when I noticed a big, dark bruise on his temple. "Come on, you're not funny. Don't mess around!"_

_He didn't reply. He didn't move at all. I shook his shoulder._

_"Okay, you can stop this nonsense now," I said, trembling with fear, anger and guilt. "Get up and let's go home, you idiot!"_

_I looked around, but nobody was nearby. The forest was quiet and deserted, we were about half an hour walk away from Ealdor. I had no idea what to do. Will was too heavy, I couldn't have moved him unless I used magic, but if I did so, people in the village would know about my powers. I needed to get help as soon as possible, but was it okay to leave him alone in the middle of the forest...?_

_"Please, Will," I muttered, starting to shake him again, "don't do this to me."_

_It took me about five minutes to get him round, and I felt relieved when he finally opened his eyes, though his look was still very hazy. I was almost sure he'd been concussed. My stomach churned at the thought._

_"How are you feeling?" I asked._

_"Dead as a doornail," he muttered. It must have been a joke, but I didn't smile._

_I helped him get up and let him lean on me as we started to walk slowly towards the village. I'd never seen him so pale and sick. He looked scary._

_"Come on, we'll be home soon," I gasped. It was exhausting to help him walk; he was a bit shorter than me but much chubbier, and I could barely hold his weight. But I had no choice. When we got a bit closer to Ealdor and I could see the thatch of our house, I began to call for my mother with all my strength. I knew I wouldn't be able to drag Will home, so I hoped someone would hear my voice and come to help me._

_A sigh of relief left my mouth as I saw my mother running towards us. We took Will to our house, which was nearest, and laid him down onto my mother's blanket. He looked a little bit better than he had been back in the forest, but was still half-conscious. I really hoped it was just a mild concussion, but what if it was something worse...? I forced my tears back. I knew I had to be strong._

_"What happened?" my mother asked quietly, as he damped a cloth to put a cold pack on Will's bruise._

_"I... I..." I stammered. "We were... It's my fault. I don't know how it happened, I just..."_

_"I wanted him to get chestnuts from the tree with his magic tricks," Will interrupted on a weak voice, "but he said no, so I climbed up to get them myself. I fell down." He frowned as he tried to wink at me._

_I looked at my mother, pressing my lips together, and I couldn't hold my tears back anymore. She didn't ask anything else but sent me back to the forest to fetch some herbs for Will. When I got back, she made a draught and gave it to Will, telling him that he'd be alright by the next morning. I was relieved._

_I waited for my mother to come out of the house, sitting at the porchway. I was squatting on the stair with a thin stick in my hand, drawing tiny scribbles in the dirt when I heard her footsteps._

_"He will be okay," she said quietly as she sat down next to me._

_"He lied," I replied. I didn't look up, but I still felt my mother's questioning eyes on me as I threw the stick away. "It was me. My magic," I whispered. I didn't even look around. I always checked if someone was around us before I started to talk about my magic to my mother or Will, but I couldn't care less this time. I didn't mind anymore if I was caught and executed. Uther Pendragon was right, after all. Magic was evil, and I was a monster. "I said no, but he pushed, and I... I don't know what happened. I was angry. I've never done anything like that before... I just... tossed him back into the tree. Somehow. With my magic."_

_Silence. Then I felt her fingers slowly stroking my shoulder. I looked up hesitantly, and as our eyes met, she sighed and embraced me. I wrapped my arms around her, wiping my face with her dress._

_"What's happening to me?" I cried. She didn't answer. "I'm scared. I can't do this anymore..."_

_I sobbed until I had no more tears. She didn't say anything but held me in her arms and rocked me gently just like she used to do when I was a little boy. Then I pulled back to look into her eyes._

_"I must go to Camelot," I said. "I can't stay here and cause more trouble. I'm too dangerous."_


	17. Chapter 17

I knew how difficult it was for him to say those words. He wanted to go, and yet, he hated the whole thing. I didn't know what to say, I just wanted him to make this decision completely on his own. I embraced him again and stroked his hair.

"You'll be fine," I whispered.

"I know," he answered. "Take care of Will for me."

"And you take care of Gaius for me," I smiled at him. He chuckled bitterly, then turned back towards the door, looking at the corner where Will was sleeping.

"He won't understand," he said blankly.

"You can make him understand."

"I hope so." He sighed, and for a moment I saw a slight trace of relief in his eyes. He finally came to a decision after struggling for such a long time. "You should write to Gaius. I don't think it'd be a good idea to turn up at his door without warning him."

"I will send him a message when the next runner comes," I answered. The last messenger going to Camelot had left the village more than three weeks ago, so I was sure someone would arrive in a few days. "There's no rush."

"I know," he nodded. "I'd like to stay here until Will fully recovers, anyways."

A messenger arrived to our village two days later. I was working on the fields and found out about him only the next morning, just when he was about to leave, so I didn't have much time to write my message for Gaius. I quickly wrote a few lines saying that Merlin would set off to Camelot a week later, and he should expect his arrival on the next Wednesday or Thursday, depending on the weather. I gave my short letter to the messenger, deciding that I'd send a longer one with Merlin. I stayed up late that night to finish my second letter, and I was crying quietly at the candlelight while I was forming the letters, looking back at my peacefully sleeping son after each line, though it wasn't even the last night Merlin spent at home.

* * *

My dear Gaius,

I turn to you for I feel lost and alone and don't know who to trust. It is every mother's fate to think her child is special, and yet I would give my life that Merlin were not so. Ours is a small village and he is so clearly at odds with people here that, if he were to remain, I fear what would become of him. He needs a hand to hold, a voice to guide, someone that might help him find a purpose for his gifts. I beg you, if you understand a mother's love for her son, keep him safe, and may God save you both.

Hunith


	18. Chapter 18

_I had no idea it'd be so difficult to explain to Will why I had to leave. It was not that he couldn't understand it. He just didn't want to._

_It took him three or four days to recover, though the bruise on his temple was visible even on the day when I left Ealdor. I expected him to be there saying goodbye along with my mother on the very last day, but he wasn't. The last time we spoke was two days before I left. But I didn't mind at all. Will wasn't a man of goodbyes, and I loved him the way he was._

_On the last day we spent together, we were sitting on an old wooden trunk not far from his house, staring at the wheatfields surrounding the village. We used to play a lot on those fields. They were perfect for hide-and-seek for two little boys; we drove all the farmers crazy with treading down the crops each year. But those times had been over long ago. I was too tall, and my black hair could have been easily spotted among the sea of golden spikes._

_"Why did you lie to my mother?" I asked. He sighed._

_"You've already caused enough trouble. I thought it was my turn."_

_"You shouldn't have. I told her the truth. I always do."_

_"I don't care." He turned his head away and took a deep breath. "It doesn't matter. You're running away anyways."_

_"It's for the best," I answered. We already talked about this, and I tried to make him understand just like my mother said, but I couldn't. Will didn't want to accept my decision._

_"Fine. I don't care. I never did," he said coldly._

_"I understand that you're disappointed, but I need to find my own way."_

_"And I was always here, ready to help you with that."_

_"I know. And I'm grateful. I don't know what I'd have done without you. But..."_

_"But you think it's more fun risking your neck by practicing your fancy little tricks under Uther Pendragon's nose," he interrupted._

_I waited a little before answering._

_"You know," I looked into his eyes, "once my best friend told me that you can't learn new things if you don't take risks."_

_He frowned and turned his head away._

_"Do whatever you want. I never wanted your kind around here, actually."_

_I knew he didn't mean it, but it still felt as if he had stabbed a knife into my back. I glanced at him for a moment, and I knew that look I saw on his face; it meant that he finished the conversation. I stood up, keeping my eyes on the fields. I didn't want to push any further, that had always been his way, not mine._

_"Well, good luck," I said._

_I stayed there for a few seconds to wait for his answer, but there was none. When I finally took a few steps away, he muttered "likewise, mate," probably thinking that I was already too far to hear him. I didn't turn back but smiled quietly, then I started to run home._

_I set off from Ealdor two days later, and arrived to Camelot the next Wednesday with my mother's letter to Gaius in my bag. The city was almost as terrifying as I'd imagined. After entering the castle, witnessing an execution of a man who was accused of practising sorcery, and seeing Uther Pendragon himself for the first time in my life, I could barely find my voice to ask for directions to the court physician's chambers. Everything was so new, so different, so... scary. But I couldn't turn back now that I was finally here. Eventually, I found the narrow and dark staircase leading up to the small wooden door._

_"Hello?"_

_No answer. I took a few steps inside._

_"Hello?" I repeated, then I suddenly heard a noise from above me. "Gaius?"_

_And the next moment my new life began with a loud crack._


End file.
